Finding it hard

So I haven’t added to my blog for a while, quite a while really considering I had this great idea that I would be writing everyday.. that defiantly did NOT happen! Not even because I didn’t have anything to write just because it was another thing in my life that was just to much effort! Now that comes across like I’m lazy, I’m really not, I just have hideous issues with mental health that leave me feeling completely incapable of doing anything but the bare minimum, I dress and feed my kids, I take them to school, I pick them up, feed them again and get them ready for bed. That’s about it. I’ve been back to the doctors and their sending me to see a physiatrist next month, so that’s all fun and games (that would be sarcasm, just in case people haven’t noticed I’m a rather sarcastic person).

Now I’m back to trying to make an effort with my life, I’m trying each day to do something rather than just sit around staring into space, even if their just tiny things like popping to the village shop for milk! So yesterday I went to Asda and ran some errands with my friend, today I cleaned the WHOLE bungalow from top to bottom (which hadn’t been done in a long time) and tomorrow I’m going to get my prescription from the chemist. I’m sure they sound like mundane, boring things to most people (which lets face it they are!) but I see each of them as a small stepping stone out of the hell hole I’ve dug myself into. Perhaps even one day this week I’ll drag myself and youngest to the library once she finishes playschool.. but we shall see.

I want to enjoy my life but times like this I find it so hard, I’d much rather hide in bed away from the world and everyone in it. But fingers crossed for onwards and upwards!!

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Reading, writing, reading, writing

So this is pretty much my life right now, I read because I love it & I’ve finally decided to start writing my first novel! Obviously it’s fantasy as this is my favourite genre! I’m aiming it at young children, I’d say between 8-12 years, I’m finding myself reading all the books I had when I was growing up that my girls aren’t old enough for yet! Their not interested in anything that doesn’t have pictures yet! 

I say I’ve started writing, I’ve got lots of notes & the first paragraph but I’ve got to start somewhere! I’m excited to be doing this but I feel I’ll get a lot more done once the kids go back to school next week, and Dan is setting my up a reading & writing corner in the front room (our bedroom is just too small).

I just want to prove myself that I can do this, I whittle on about loving to write but I’d quite like to prove to myself that I actually can write 😂 I’m half tempted to add the first unedited paragraph to my blog just to see if it’s worth writing anymore but I think it’s probably time I learn to have more confidence in myself. 

Basically it involves elves, fairies, unicorns & trolls in an Enchanted Forest 🙂 with 4 children who can’t help set off and explore despite being told numerous times by their parents & guardians not to go near the forest. 

I could technically be writing some right now instead of just sitting here twiddling my thumbs but it’s guaranteed the minute I sit down and get the laptop out the kids will come over desperately needing me to do something for them 🙈 it’s always the way. So I’ll stick to the evenings I can grab before they go back to school, one week tomorrow! Not that I’m counting down at all haha. 

I’ll think about giving you all that preview of the first paragraph.. if I’m brave enough! 

A mothers love ♥️

A mothers love truly is a wonderful thing. I say this myself as a mother.. loving them is the easiest and most natural thing in the world. Motherhood is not. Everyday is a whirlwind of emotion.. fear, love, joy, anger.. no child is perfect 24/7 and why should they be? No adult is perfect either. I struggle daily with my tasks as a mother, probably made harder because of mental health issues but at times like now (my nearly 3 year old is sleeping soundly on me) all the hard times don’t matter because my heart is so filled with love and I realise that their flaws are what make them perfect! Their growing, learning, moulding their own personalities and I am lucky to watch them on those journey, lucky to be a part of it. So many woman struggle or can’t have kids which makes my heart break for them and makes me feel guilty for the days I wish I had to myself, where I didn’t have two little people following me round needing me. But I would never change it, no matter how hard it gets. They are mine and I am theirs. 

Right now feeling her chest raise & fall as she sleeps soundly is the most perfect feeling in the world, she’s safe & healthy & happy. She is contented & she is here with me. They grow so fast & I wonder sometimes if I miss the most important bits but I do the best I can & I can only hope that it’s enough and that they know with every waking breath I love them.. more than I could or have ever loved anything or anyone. 

My two complete divas, who are utter lunatics and the funniest little people, are my entire world. 

Why are you always reading?

 

reading meme

Its more often than not in my spare you’ll see me with a book in my hand. I just love to read, fantasy, thriller, pretty much anything.. except romance I’m not so keen on that. Thrillers I love, trying to figure out the plot before I get to the end. Nothing more satisfying than getting to the end and knowing you were right. I’d quite happily spend a whole day reading, I have done many times! Not so much since having the kids though, anytime I pick up a book they suddenly need something desperately. Falling into a whole different world just has such a magical feel about it, fantasy is by far my favourite genre as its just so different from everyday life. Harry Potter has always been and will always be my favourite series of books, I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve read them all! The way JK Rowling writes is truly something special, and the whole wizarding world is just fascinating, I honestly can’t get enough of it and although I love the films, they will never beat the books as so many of the small details are missed out! Characters are not always portrayed the same way in films as they are in the books and nothing beats the feel of a book in my hand.

So yes, my partner and children often ask me why I’m always reading and the answer is no more than I purely enjoy it! Sometimes I’ll get through 2
books in a week, maybe more if its a series. I literally get addicted! Finding new series to read takes over as if it were important research, my Ebay watch list is full and I love going into a book store, defiantly without the kids though! I really hope they grow to share my love of reading, I defiantly get mine from my mum who is almost as bad as me! I look forward to the day when they longer need picture books to hold their interest and I can start reading them Harry Potter, almost seems sad they’ve seen the first two films before they’ve heard the story in the books.

So now I’ll go back to my current book ‘Blood line’ – by Mark Billingham

reading-meme-

Family

Family is important right? I mean you can’t choose them, their always there. I wouldn’t say I have the closest family ever but we’re not not close.. my parents are amazing grandparents & there always there for us even if I don’t like talking to them about real important stuff. Always think we’ll get judged, everything is so black and white to them. My brother & I aren’t close, I’ve always wished we were closer but he’s just not that kind of guy, maybe even more since I’ve had the kids as he’s just not a kiddy guy, doesn’t know what to say to them nor does he know what Lacey is saying half the time 😂 but I know if I really needed him he’d be there, our grandads funeral proved that, he held my hand, gave me a hug & stayed with me the whole time even though my partner was with me also, maybe he needed me more but a simple grasp of the hand proves that we’re always there when most needed. He’s not a bad guy, just not an emotional guy.. suppose that’s how our parents brought us up. Aunties & uncles are important too, I hadn’t seen mine in ages.. life gets in the way I suppose. Today I went out with my auntie & 3 cousins, it was lovely. Proves that even if time does pass it doesn’t really matter as we’re all still family. 

Now dan is my family too, him I got to choose. He’s the father to my children, the man I built a home with. Obviously there’s ups and downs, which relationship, which family doesn’t have them. But when I think about it I wouldn’t change it, we are who we are today because of the past. We have two beautiful girls, a nice home & he goes out every day to provide for us. He puts up with my mood swings, the days I don’t even want to get dressed, he takes it all in his stride & I can never thank him enough for that. Despite his flaws I know I’ve chosen well, he will always do his best for us & he loves me for me when many wouldn’t! 

Family is so important & a lot of the time it’s taken for granted. So maybe we should all appreciate them a little more, make a little more time, stop letting life get in the way so much. Because one day they won’t be here, only the memories we make. 

Evenings..

Anyone else find evenings particularly boring? Like once the kids are asleep that’s it, we just kinda sit here looking on the tv for something to watch, or I’ll read a book, occasionally start up an interesting conversation but that’s about it 🙈 

I ask around my friends that have kids but apparently they all do the same, I just feel like I should be filling my evenings with something a little more fulfilling! I mean I could technically do the exercise that I keep saying I’ll do but by this time I’m shattered from running round after the kids all day, so my body enjoys the resting time but my mind.. not so much. I just end up irritating myself 😂 plus he’s looking into setting up his new business venture which I understand completely zilch about ✌🏻 not for want of trying, I just can’t get my head around it and I always worry about money, will the kids have all they need, are we going to end up worse off.. all the boring shit 🙈 but don’t want to seem like I’m shitting all over his dreams! And let’s be fair he hasn’t laughed at me for wanting to start a blog, do a uni course or consider getting into freelance writing so I should probably support him too! 

Anyway back to the dullness of evenings.. I’m sat here writing this and half paying attention to Prime Suspect on the TV, the kids and the cat are all snoring, the weather is pants & im just fed up. I love routine, getting through the day is impossible without routine but I would like to start doing a little something else with my evenings.

Feel free to drop me a list of what you all do of an evening ✌🏻

Living or ‘not’ living with anxiety 

I’ve found many people can get a hold of their anxiety for the majority of the time, at least when it affects the important things in life. Whether it be through medication or self taught techniques, I however am not one of those people.. 

I struggle daily with the thought of failure, of not being good enough.. even now as I write this I have visions of no one reading this or those that do laughing at the stupidity of it. I can deal with it a little better as it’s people I don’t know and it’s behind a screen. I don’t work currently, I did for a couple of years and I was fine all the time it stuck to my routine and it was the same thing everyday, but to be asked to do something I hadn’t done before was a cause for panic. All I could think was ‘there is no way I can do this’ before I had even tried. And then that leads to mistakes doesn’t it? Or at least what I class as mistakes. So now I’m stuck in a rut at home, I do the same thing everyday, nothing venturing to far without my parent or a friend, one that understands my life. Every trip out is planned to the letter.. bus times, train times, toilet stops, lunch times. It’s all regimented. I worry for my kids, I worry it’ll effect them, I worry it won’t be enough for them, they don’t understand and why should they? They are carefree as they should be at 5years and 3years. 

People often ask why I don’t drive.. I say we just haven’t got the finances at the moment which is partly true but not the main reason. I can’t remember the last time I went in a car and didn’t think someone was about to crash into us or us into another, my partner is a good driver, I know this,  maybe it’s the lack of control I have over the car but every journey I end up panicking.. which is made worse from trying to hide it from my children. 

Every aspect of my life is like this, questioning what I’m doing, what I’m saying. School runs, trips to the doctors, food shopping.. basic day to day things that other people seem to manage with ease. I am happiest in my home, I could sit for days with doing nothing. But that is not a life for my kids so I can only hope that one day it’ll get better, one day I will start to live my life again.. 

Making a life for the kids.. 

So I’m a mother or two, two girls that are amazing but that grow more everyday. One day they won’t need me so much & then what? I passed school, failed college & had a couple of meaningless jobs in between purely for the money. So what will I do once their both at full time school?

I’ve never really known what I wanted to do, whilst I was growing up I had all these funny ideas.. become an althelte, play basketball, but now that couldn’t interest me less. Only one thing stil interests me now as it did before.. writing, reading, expressing myself through pen & paper, keys & screen. But how? I didn’t go to university. I couldn’t take the time to go to university now.. I couldn’t go back and start that again, the childcare would cost a bomb on its own. Perhaps open university? Doing it from home seems a lot more realistic but then surely I couldn’t juggle motherhood, uni & a part time job? I don’t work at the moment but I am looking for something suitable. 

It seems so hard to find a way to get a step forward as I didn’t do things in the normal order. Education was meant to be finished before I had my children. We have one wage, my partners, which we rely on. We don’t have luxuries, flash holidays or designer clothes. I wouldn’t want that, I’d just like to be comfortable. But to also be doing something I enjoy and take pride in, not just working a job I do purely for the pay check. I’d like to do something a little more with life, for the girls sake and my own. I’d want them to proud of their mother, I’d want them to know she worked hard & enjoyed what she was doing.

I think now is the time to start looking into this, I’m 25, is this to late to try and build some form of career? The girls seem old enough now for me to focus a little more on myself and what’s going to happen in my life. Right now I feel once their both at full time school I’ll have no choice but to pick up a job I have no interest in & then I’ll be stuck with that for the rest of my life. I am forever grateful that they have a dad who has his life together a little more than their mum! 

Perhaps if anyone gets a chance to read this they could drop a comment with a little advice, I’ll be researching up on how to start planning for my own future.

Arguments of a 5 year old & a 3 year old..


Anyone else’s kids have the most ridiculous arguments or is it just mine?

So here is me thinking today would be easier as their dad is home.. well wasn’t I rather optimistic! I mean honestly who has a fight whilst their on the toilet? Oh that would be my children. Because clearly waiting to use the toilet one after the other is ridiculous right? So we have one on the toilet & the other on the potty.. Lacey (who’s 3 almost) finishes using the potty, resulting in Mia shouting at her to try for a poo as she hasn’t finished (yes a poo!) well Lacey is having none of this & attempts to push her sister DOWN the toilet 🙄 no words for that, so Mia then shoves her backwards into the bath which ends with Lacey falling on the floor. Now all hell breaks loose.. crying, screaming, shouting.. 

she did it! No she did it! It’s not my fault!

And I’m stood there like what the hell is even happening, how can needing the toilet end like this? 🙄 anyway we move on from the toilet issue, friends again..  fabulous!

Or not.. not 10minutes later we are arguing over who is going to wear the Elsa socks! Yes socks.. we have plenty of Elsa socks but no they both want these ones… obviously. So I suggest one each? No not good enough because that involves sharing with each other which is clearly unheard of & you’d think I’d called them all the names under the sun with the look they gave me. So in comes daddy to save the day which ends the fight & I have lovely children again. I appear to be an ogre mummy that can’t suggest anything worth thinking about? 


So that is the kind of day I’m having 😂 

And come bedtime they’ll be lovely & cuddly & think mummy is amazing as they’ll want the longest story they can find. I can only imagine what is left in store for me for the rest of the day 🙈

Early mornings – who functions & who doesn’t 

5.50am… 5.50am & one child wants milk & the other wants Harry Potter on the TV! It’s not even the earliest they’ve been awake, last week we had 4.30am, still the middle of the night! 

I’m not a morning person, their dad is even less of a morning person. But my eldest always has been, no matter the time she goes to bed she’s always up at the crack of dawn, it makes the days so much longer, for myself & her, come 4pm I’m ready for bed! Now Lacey, my youngest, used to never be awake before 7am, she was never good at getting to sleep but we were never up stupidly early, until these summer holidays now she hears her sister and has to be up too. Their bond is beautiful but not at 5am 😫  

I’ve got friends whose babies sleep until 9/10am.. what even is that?! If my girls weren’t awake by 9am I would be concerened for their health. But it’s just another aspect to motherhood right? Sleepless nights, early mornings, bags under the eyes 24/7. It’ll get better & you’ll soon be having to drag them out of bed my mum says.. I shall look forward to this day very much 😂